Cloned Meat! Finally!

The FDA has approved CLONED-MEAT!!! Yes! Finally!

Now all of America can put on their dinner tables what been served in high school cafeterias, hospital rooms, and on British Airways flights for years! Talk about egalitarianism!

My question is, if they can clone a cow, why not just clone a hamburger? That way we could do away with the whole nasty business of the slaughterhouse and all that.

Yum. Cloned meat. Finally something I can feed to my cloned cat and cloned fish.

The Nerve!

I'm having very mixed feelings right now.

As most of you know, I have been a devout propagandist for Stonewall's Jerquee since day one. You could say I am obsessed with the stuff. [Just finished off two packs while I was thinking of what to type in that last sentence.]

Well, what do you know... Stonewalls goes and redesigns their packaging. And they don't even bother to ask me what I think!

You'll notice on the right, here (in my left hand) the red package that screams: "Jerky Substitute!"

But what's that in my right hand? "The Tasty Vegetarian Snack"?

It's bad enough they go with the wimpy orange-fade background. But to change the slogan from "The Incredible, Animal-free, All Natural Jerky Substitute" to "The Tasty Vegetarian Snack"?

Pretzels are a "tasty vegetarian snack". Stonewall's Jerquee is supposed to fill a jerky-shaped void in your life. I don't know what to make of this. How will I go on?

I can't go on eating jerky substitute. I'll go on eating jerky substitute.

The Cheese is Sweating

Okay. So, how many of you recognize this scenario.

Your workplace is throwing some sort of function revolving around food. Not a big, fancy thing like a banquet or anything like that. Just lunch. Or even worse... breakfast.

Our correspondent in the field -- Todd of Baltimore -- files this report.

"Whenever we have a work function around 'breakfast' time, we always have the same thing: a pile of breakfast desserts, muffins and danishes and bagels, and an as-yet-unnamed and wholly incongruous pile of dairy and second-tier vegetables. Now, I am not a delicate flower when it comes to food. I started down this road by eating fish eyes around age three. I think I can say that I might eat any part of any non-human animal if served with the right sauce. But this dairy pile freaks me out. The ham-fisted mash of cream , swiss, and muenster cheese with green pepper and olive foliage make me nauseous (yet hungry), as if my brain and my stomach were like the poles of a magnet."

I'm fortunate enough to work at a place that's got a relatively decent catering service. Though in the early days, it was tough times as a vegetarian -- food options as they were. Basically you had a choice between two entrees: salt and pepper. But, times have changed and these days, I eat like a king -- a king with a thing for salad and dinner rolls, but a king nonetheless.

I still have one gripe, though.

I don't understand what these caterers have against green peppers.

Maybe I just haven't heard about the great shortage of condiment vessels, but I don't get why they go about boring holes in nice plump green peppers just to fill them with mustard and mayo. Have you seen this? Is this a widespread practice? A sign of cult involvement?

Some secrets are too deep to bother wading into. Anyhow, I've got nothing to complain about. Todd, on the other hand... his cheese is sweating.

Dinner Music presents "Snacks"!

Dinner Music -- for better or worse, it's a new idea in cooking shows!

In this, the premiere episode, we meet Tom Boram and Dan Breen in the kitchen for a demonstration of how to make 'Bacon Crispy Treats'!

Enjoy!

Tell your friends and relatives

Tomorrow's post is going to change your life.

This is just a head's up.

Sushi, Birthdays, Tom Brady

Took the boys out to dinner for their birthday.

Sushi at Matsuri! And can I just say, "Wow, how that place has really become the premier Japanese restaurant in Baltimore."

Seems like just yesterday Cross Street was a haven for indecency and projectile vomit and now here it is offering wine bars and dynamite rolls.

Actually, to be fair, Matsuri is a mainstay and has both been a source of inspiration for the growth of the neighborhood as well as a regular in all the "Best Of" lists around town for a decade [a decade?!?]. I guess it's just that my frame of reference places Federal Hill closer to the market than what surrounds it (like I played at the 8x10 when it was still actually 8x10).

Anyway: the boys.

Sushi has long been their favorite dish. Eons ago when they were born in Boston and the whole family communed as fans of the Pat's second stringer -- a guy named Tom Brady -- we used to go to a joint in Brookline called Mr. Sushi. And, let me just say: Mr. Sushi of Brookline may well have been the greatest sushi-house to have ever existed.

We used to carry the twins in these car-seat / rocker like contraptions which you'd never even consider until you have children and we use to put these things right on the table. And so the four-month-old connoisseurs used to barf and fart right there in the midst of great Japanese cuisine, surrounded by both sushi and sashimi (and should never the two be confused).

And so, here we are seven years on and the boys are able to devour massive pieces of wasabi and Tom Brady is leading the Pats to the greatest season on record.

Funny what time can do.

Dulces Vero

My friend Susan is from Houston. She recently brought back some candy with her.




This is not any ordinary East Coast candy I'd ever seen. This is candy with designs to bruise you.




Vero Elotes is the name and twisting the East Coast tongue into shrapnel is its game. But then, who wouldn't love a strawberry flavored lollipop both filled with and glazed in straight-up chili pepper?





Susan swore by these things. And I'm apt to trust her. She's got great taste in enchiladas and music. But when it comes to chili pepper encrusted hard candy... who can you trust actually?





Well, I must admit: this is the first candy of the new year to force me to live up to my pledge of eating dangerously. And in that vein, I can honestly say to you dear reader: get yrself a stick of Vero Elotes paleta de caramelo macizo acidulado sabor fresa cubierta de chile and may your tongue get its tastebuds whooped... yum!

Round Table

We had a round table once. Bought it at IKEA. No knights, though.

Notice how the fruit is kicked around in Camelot. With abandon bordering on deliquency. Yet one more reason why you can never trust a knight.

Yum Yum

Speaking etymology here, folks.

So some online hacks will have you believe that 'yum yum' is a phrase indicative of baby-talk and first came into usage as an interjection in the later Victorian period. I'm having trouble believing that.

The American Heritage Dictionary (probably the best portable book on American usage) says 'yum' is onomatopoeia, presumably having to do with the sound induced by gastro-olfactory hypersensitivity. I think this more likely.

However, there is a third rail.

The Indo-European root 'yeu-' is the source of the Latin word 'iuventis' and the Germanic words also meaning 'youth' or 'vigor'. Now, I realize from an etymological point of view that it is highly unlikely, but wouldn't it be nice if the word 'yum' was a generations-removed derivation from the very ancient Indo-European word meaning 'possessing youthful vigor'.

Would that be the case, perhaps it would suggest that yummy food is indeed the source of the fountain of youth.

Nice Dump

Went to the dump three times today. Had a lot of junk to get rid of and recycle.

There's a long road once you get onto the property of the dump. It leads for about a half mile up to the entrance to the dump proper. And about half-way there, along the side of the service road, there is a gazebo and a picnic table.

At the dump.

So, I am asking, would anyone out there like to book an oom-pah band and have an afternoon picnic with me at the dump?

What's good dump food anyway?

Polyglottal Pierogies

Starting the new year off right... a great dinner and a blog post.

This evening's dish: Palak Paneer Pierogies!

Served with marinated Seitan, a side of minced ginger, and a milk chocolate garnish. And of course accompanied by an Alsace Trimbach Riesling!

Nothing says 'yum' like polyglottal pierogies.

Hmm. Where does the word 'yum' come from?

Two-Thousand-Ate

Greetings, fellow eaters;

I hereby decree, with the power vested in me by me, that 2008 be the Year of Eating Dangerously.

No more 'tasty' food. I want confrontational food. Food that challenges you to eat it. Food with a bone to pick (but, boneless of course).

I don't want food to 'satisfy' me. I want food that kicks my gastrological senses into overdrive. I don't want nice food. I want food that holds my head to the plate and says, "I dare you to eat it, Food-boy." I want Klaus Kinski in the role of appetizer and a first course of Harvey Keitel on crack.

This is the Year of Eating Dangerously, and dear readers, I promise to be your point-man on the Gunship FieryTongue.

Happy New Year,
Shelly

Merry Yule!

We're looking out for Santa here on the East Coast.

And when it comes to Santa, I can only think of one thing: that belly that shook like a bowl full of jelly. So what are we leaving for Santa and the reindeer this year as a yuletide snack? Try rainbow sprinkle sugar cookies and a couple Sam Adams Winter Lagers... and a few nutritious baby carrots for the deer.

You have no idea how happy I am that the object of affection of merry wishers worldwide is a bearded funky guy with a potbelly and red nose who flies around with magical reindeer and lives in an old house way out of the way. Gives me hope.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a full belly.

Blowout

So, Canada.

I remember there we were driving across the great province of Ontario in a late-model 740 with two babies strapped into carseats in the back. I recall we actually had mentioned something about how idyllic our life had become, as though we were living a dream.

We'd just stopped for a bite to eat at an excellent roadside diner -- not one of those American Interstate places, but a real off-the-beaten-path roadhouse built of wood and bone.

It proved an excellent choice. We were the only diners there and had the place to ourselves. We fed the boys and had no problems. We were feeling really good about ourselves.

Note to young and future parents: if you sense that you are feeling good about yourselves, it is a sign that the worst wrath nature can offer is about to be shed upon you.

We leave the diner and strap everyone in the car. I hadn't even left the parking lot. And then, that sound.

It must be sort of like what a mudslide sounds like, though I've never had the pleasure of encountering one of those.

Within seconds, the entire interior of the 740 smelled of potent, noxious, mind-altering, fuming fecal matter.

Both boys had spontaneously combusted. Poop was everywhere. All over them. All over the carseats. I opened the door and half of the great province of Ontario stopped in their tracks, lifted their keen Canadian noses to the sky, and asked, "What's that smell?"

It was the greatest double twin blowout ever witnessed. It was so fierce, the restaurant offered us tablecloths (not napkins) to clean it up.

Learn Karate

So, this was in Toronto a few years ago.

Toronto is probably my favorite of the North American cities I've visited. It even beats Dayton, OH. Anyhow, there we are having pulled into the b&b we'd call home for a few days. It was run by this guy with a serious royalty-fetish. Over a beer in the basement tavern, he expressed to us his love for the queen, and each room of his hotel was dedicated to a different Windsor.

The boys were just little then, so we plopped them into a double stroller and went out looking for grub Toronto-style. Unbeknownst to us, Toronto had seen a recent snap of stings by the teetotalling-police and none of the restaurants that served alcohol would allow us in with the children. Seriously now, did they think we'd be feeding Harvey Wallbangers to the 16 month-olds?

So we continue on our way looking for a dive that'll let us in with kids. And we eventually find that the sting had been limited to the neurotic royalty-praising neighborhood we were lubbing in and in fact it was easy to buy your toddler booze in the rest of the city.

I say all of this to bring you to what was an occasion on which I received some of the better advice I've ever received on the street. It came from a weary-eyed man living on an avenue along an intersection near the University. Seeing the twin boys, he leaned in with a word of guru-like advice: "Love your mother. Don't do drugs. Love Jesus. Learn Karate."

There you have it, friends. The four-part key to happiness in this world (or at least what it takes one man to live on the rough streets of the most pleasant city in this hemisphere).

Foxy

Not really food related, except in that I would assume that like myself, the critics and editors at Foxy Digitalis also eat food...


Foxy Digitalis gave 'The Violencestring' (my new CD) 9 out of 10... check out the review.

http://www.digitalisindustries.com/foxyd/reviews.php?which=3016


Should you find yrself in desire of a physical copy, just see:
http://www.fallrecords.com/store.html

Or a virtual copy at:
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=268874146&s=143441

mind you, the virtual copy does not include the artwork or summary of the story (it's a musical, after all)...

Top Ten Foodish Experiences of 2007

I hate year-end lists... so here's mine.


Top Ten Foodish Experiences of 2007

1. MJ and I moving the dining room table into the dining room! (Go figure, but it's the little things that make so much difference...)

2. Eating two full meals at two competing bowling alleys within thirty-minutes of one another as a taste-testing mission with Aaron Henkin.

3. Having Tom Boram and Dan Breen make Rice Krispy / bacon / licorice / garlic treats for the kids while jamming broken-down synth beats in my kitchen.

4. Cabeca Gorda! (The restaurant so secret, I shouldn't even be putting it on this list.)

5. Discovering Vegetarian Jerky Substitute. Because every vegetarian needs an all-natural jerky substitute.

6. Judging afternoon beers at the One World Cafe. As the guy next to me said: "Tough job."

7. Falling madly in love with the avacado.

8. Afghan food at The Helmand with Jenny and Dwight. Almost makes me want to take a vacation to Afghanistan... er... on second thought...

9. $100 lunch for two at Minato courtesy of B.M. (Thanks, buddy...)

10. Starting this blog.

LTSRPotatoes Vid! Coming soon!

The excitement rises. Like a blister.

Tonight, SNACKS (Tom Boram / Dan Breen) is coming over to the house and we're shooting the first LTSRPotatoes video! Yes, it will be a cooking show. And yes, it will ruin your opinion of cooking shows.

Beware.

More tofu, please!

The kids are alright.

They like asparagus. And broccoli.

When they were just little, we used to treat broccoli like it was a prize: "Finish all your baby slop and you can have more BROCCOLI!"

I remember one night hearing a chorus of "Can we have more tofu and green beans, PLEASE!"

For a while we convinced them that Trail Mix was a better snack than potato chips, or ice cream, or gum drops.

That worked for a while. Before the world moved in.

Now my children come home from school and demand candy. And I refuse. And a battle of wills begins.

I miss the "more tofu, please" days.

Nonetheless, the other night one of the boys ate three servings of spinach and seitan.

I've still got the touch.

Oscar Mayer Commercial -1973

My aunt worked in the Oscar Meyer plant in Philadelphia around the time this commericial was made. She worked on the scrapple line.

For those of you not well-informed, scrapple translates as "everything else, ground up into yummy mush".

Anyhow, my aunt found herself in the odd position of losing a finger to the assembly line choppers. That is, she lost a finger that was mangled and smashed into the scrapple you may have served for breakfast in 1973.

Yeah, they didn't bother to stop the presses. Like you woulda known.

Yum.

Crash

Let's just say that this old car commercial pretty much sums up why I haven't posted in a few days.