Super Villain Vegetable Challange

Beware the Zucchini Moose! Look into his eyes and you may fall under his infamous summer squash spell!

(Now it's your turn to create your own vegetable-related super villain).

Be creative. Post away.

Little Swim

This has nothing to do with food. Ironically given the last few posts, it has everything to do with swimming.

Four or five weeks ago I joined the Y. Besides just getting on a regular exercise regimen, I had an express purpose for shelling out the dough. I wanted to teach the kids to swim.

Not pay for swim lessons.

Not hire some guy to teach the tykes.

I wanted to do it myself.

Well, today my 5 year old daughter swam unassisted and without any flotation devices three time back and forth from the diving wall to the 8' mark in the center of the lane.

Awesome.

You Just Dominated the Olympics, What's Next?

Ok. So much for my dream of Michael Phelps dissing McDonalds:

The first thing he craved after becoming the greatest Olympian ever?

"A big, fat cheeseburger and some fries," he said, smiling at the memory.

Heck, why not... we're only talking about 300 calories. Heck, have four or five of 'em, Michael! And supersize those fries... another 500 or so calories (and only 220 'from fat'!).

Oh well. At least now fat-cheeseburger eating kids across the nation know that if they just put their minds to it, they too can win in the Olympics. Here's a nutrition guide from Mickey D's to chart your progress.

Big Swim

I don't think I could even afford to eat 12,000 calories a day. Of course, I'm not exactly Michael Phelps.

Did discover that 3,500 fat calories can put three pounds on the average male. That's more than it's weight in Doritos.

Hmm. Wonder what Michael Phelps would swim like if he ate 12,000 calories of Doritos a day...

O-Blymp-ic Coverage

NBC's coverage of the 2008 Olympics is horrible.

We're almost a week in and I haven't seen a damned thing besides swimming, gymnastics, and volleyball. Meanwhile, weightlifting, boxing, and even basketball (!) are getting little coverage.

When I was a kid, I thought the cool thing about the Olympics was all the sports I learned about that I'd known nothing about. Archery! Judo! Fencing! Handball! You know, something different.

I had thought in the beginning of these games that the coverage of the bicycle race was a sign that coverage was gonna be more varied. Alas. They've spent so much time in the pool, my television is wet.

I understand all the hype around Michael Phelps, sure. But do we really need second by second coverage of fifteen-minute long prelim swims?

The Ancient Greeks didn't even swim, did they?

Nor did they eat hamburgers. Which brings me to my second point.

What's with McDonalds and the Olympics? Do you really think ANY Olympic athlete would dare put that grease into their systems? They'd probably fail the drug test!

Yet, every other commercial is a McDonalds commercial.

I recently heard on NPR that McDonalds was updating its image. In the face of economic decline, McDonalds is capitalizing on the T.G.I.F. crowd not being able to afford T.G.I.F. So you know what they did? They've been installing lamps over tables.

Lamps!

Mood lighting and supersized heart-attack fries. How sophisticated. Before you know it, they'll be hanging license-plates on the walls. Radical.

I wish health food stores could afford commercial coverage during the Olympics. What would be even better is if after winning his 78th gold medal of this Games, someone offers Michael Phelps a Big Mac during the post-swim interview and he just said, "Are you crazy?!? I'm not eating that crap!"

A Gold on the Hot Dogs!

Talk about deserving a gold medal...

Local Chef goes for the Gold in Beijing

Wonder what the world thinks about Crab Cakes and Boh?

This one won't make sense unless you follow the link, but then it suddenly becomes hilarious...

I have no idea how people keep their blogs going. Especially during the Olympics.

I've got Olympic fever so bad, it makes food poisoning look like the sniffles.

So what about those Olympic games? And what about those Olympic tastebuds? Well, how about goose liver and a 'thousand-layer' beancurd cake? Yum.

Yum?

Well, if it's good enough for a handful of diplomats, it's good enough for thousands of Tibetans, no? Well... no.

86 the melon cup for the peasants.

Shelly Blake-Plock gets Food Poisoning... Again.

I am the perfect guy to ask about food poisoning. So, some of you know about the notorious bout of E. Coli that got me laid up in St. Agnes Hospital a few years back. Well, guess what happens last weekend?

SALMONELLA!

I have to admit, Salmonella (so named because the man who discovered it was one Dr. Salmon) can't hold a finger to E. Coli. Yes, there's much more on the vomiting end (16 times in two hours...), but the diarrhea is weak and stomach cramps can't touch dehydration-hallucinations.

So what's left to catch? Any more good food-borne illnesses out there?

BTW, here's a short film we made a ways back inspired by my first bout. Enjoy.

$4 dollar pretzel, my ass

What is it about a four-dollar soft pretzel that makes me nauseous?

This weekend was Artscape in Baltimore. Billed as the 'Largest Public Arts Festival in America', the festival draws something like a half-million visitors to the city over four days. Beings that Baltimore only has a population of around 750,000 city dwellers, this extra half-million makes quite a mark both on parking and the local economy.

But fear not, those of you concerned about the children of Baltimore's pretzel-sellers. Because this year they were lining up in the 98 degree heat to buy $4 pretzels.

Don't get me wrong. I love pretzels. I buy a big bag of Utz on a weekly basis. But I've got issues when it comes to vendors totally taking advantage of the public and the public being too short-sighted to come to the festival prepared (with snacks in pocket, as it were).

Isn't it illegal for individual service stations to raise the price of gas to absurd levels during a gas crunch or a catastrophe? Isn't that called 'price-gouging'? So what's the difference between that and charging heat-exhausted customers five dollars for a lemonade?

Art-Festival-Goers-of-the-World (TM) Unite!

Refuse to pay more than a reasonable price for your food. If you refuse to pay $4 for a pretzel, sooner or later the vendor is gonna realize that they are gonna have to charge less or wind up with a whole lot of excess dough on their hands.

I suggest a slogan for our movement: '$4 pretzel, my ass'.

A Senseless Waste of Human Life... and Cheese?

Speaking from an entirely cheesy point-of-view, I do think that this may be the greatest bit of food-related comedy/theatre/art ever created. That probably says a great deal about me.

Anyhow, we here at LTSRP are taking suggestions for contenders. Have you any?

Scooby Doo Doo?

This is the kind of question that pops into your head when you spend the morning driving around with two seven year olds and a five year old in the back seat: With all those Scooby Snacks having been chowed down, how come no one ever has to take Scooby Doo for a walk?

Update on the Terra Kettle Boycott

So, I've gotten my first response from Consumer Relations at Hain, the makers of those infernal Maryland-wannabe beer chips, concerning my boycott. It appears that the Leadership Team at Hain is meeting as we speak to plot their next move. (And note that their Consumer Relations meets on 'Mountain Time' -- even FURTHER removed from the Chesapeake Bay!)

I've included the letter below. Notice there is a phone number. I say, it's part of your patriotic duty to call these folks over this Independence Day weekend and especially today, tomorrow, and Monday. Tell them that you will not buy Terra Chip products so long as they continue to falsely market one of their chips as 'Cheseapeake Bay and Beer' flavor, which of course as I've pointed out it's not even remotely close in resemblance.

Thank you, fair readers!
- Shelly


M. Blake-Plock,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding our Terra Kettle Chesapeake Bay & Beer. We strive to maintain the highest quality products and appreciate your patronage.

We appreciate your comments and they have been forwarded on to our Leadership Team.


Thank you for your continued support. If we can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact us at 1-800-434-4246, Monday through Friday from 7AM - 5PM Mountain Time.

Pamela
Consumer Relations Representative


Ref # 1680966

Pierogi Guilt

I fed the kids pierogies for both lunch and dinner today. I'm sorry. I already know I'm going to Hell.

Leave my Flavor Alone: a call for a Terra Kettle boycott

Ok. So there I am in the snacks aisle of my favorite local organic grocer (Mom's on 175 in Joppa) and I make a surprising discovery. There's another beer-flavored potato chip on the market.

For those of you who are familiar with this blog, you will recognize my love for the Kettle Cheddar Beer Potato Chip. I think I've previously referred to it in relation to how it changed my outlook on life.

So when I saw this new Terra Kettles Chesapeake Bay and Beer Potato Chips, I took quick notice.

So, here we've got a chip that posits itself not only as a beer chip, but also a 'Chesapeake Bay' chip.

So who is this 'Terra Kettle' Chip Maker?

Turns out they are a division of the Hain Celestial Group of Melville, New York.

So, since when did the frigging Chesapeake Bay stretch up to New York? Jeez. Do you guys have to claim everything? As any Baltimoron will tell you, 'Chesapeake Bay-flavor' = 'Old Bay Seasoning'. And let me tell you, the Terra Kettles ain't got no Old Bay, hon.

In fact, these are chips that in a taste-test my lovely wife described as 'subtle'. Where, there ain't no 'subtle' when it comes to Chesapeake Bay flavor. Old Bay is strong, kick-your-ass flavor. Something these 'subtle-seasoning' New Yorkers apparently don't understand.

So, listen up Terra Kettle Chips: first of all, change your name. You are just confusing people who are actually looking for Kettle Chips. Second: don't you dare continue to market your weak snacks as 'Chesapeake Bay'. I hereby call on all Marylanders to boycott the purchase of Terra Kettle Chesapeake Bay and Beer Potato Chips. Our flavor will not be co-opted!

Trojan Lunch

So, the Suitors have just sat down for a meal (dining as usual on Odysseus' food, mind you) and suddenly - BAM - an eclipse! At this, Theoclymenus the Seer predicts their demise though he doesn't foresee the definitely PG-13 rating for gratuitous violence.

Well, guess what? Scientists are poking their whiskers over an unlikely finding.

Seems that an actual solar eclipse occurred around lunchtime on 16 April 1178 B.C.

Most Classical Philologists are poo-pooing the idea. But screw 'em. They were wrong about the existence of Troy too.

I think it's fantastic. An actual eclipse happening in a reasonable time-frame to actually be the eclipse the Suitors witnessed over lunch. Kinda makes the world seem that much more real.

I Eat China

I ate Chinese food this evening.

To some of you, this means nothing.

Others of you visited me during a week-long hospital stay after chowing down on an infected spring roll a few years back.

I hadn't even stepped into a Chinese restaurant since. And get this straight: I used to love Chinese food. When I lived in DC, carry-out stir-fry and egg-drop soup were on the lunch menu no less than three times a week.

But after that bout fighting the demons and leaking from several orifices, it took this long to get back into the chop suey line.

So I just want to give a shout out to Fortune Palace Buffet on 175 in Jessup. Your decor was reasonable (if a bit frigging bright) and your chow mein was right on the money. May you live long and prosper and may you never fill your customers with e.Coli.

O-R-I-O-L-E-S

Took the kids to the ballpark today. Just on a whim. $9 left field bleachers. Inter-league play. O's vs. Astros. A real storied rivalry.

They loved it. Camden Yards is far too polite a ballpark, but it's fun nonetheless. If you can put the blinders on and ignore the folks on cellphones in the mezzanine, it's actually pretty homey.

And the food. It takes a little searching and conniving, but you actually can leave the ballpark with a full belly for less than the price of dinner at any of those chain places with the license plates on the wall.

The trick is condiments and sides.

All the concession stands have lettuce and tomato. And most have grilled peppers and onions. They use this stuff to top Polish Sausages. Well, no reason they can't make a sandwich out of it. In fact, I asked them to put salad on one side of the carb-fueled bun and the peppers on the other and boom it was like a big filling sloppy migraine buster. The peppers go well with the fries, too. Bring in your own pretzels, grab 16 ounces of the coldest swill you can hustle and voila! Bon appetite, hon.

Tin Foil

I've got a thing for tin foil. I think it's because when you wrap things in it... they change. Anyhow, here's a couple-years-old video of how I like to use tin foil.

Lumbini

Oh, it's been such a long wait... where have you been LTSRP? Staking out Hillary's house in DC? Getting duped into a flight to Chi-Town by Obama? Trying to understand what John McCain is actually saying when he is speaking the English language?

No, I've just been hanging at Lumbini.

Lumbini is a relatively new Nepalese restaurant on Charles St. in Baltimore's sunny Mt. Vernon neighborhood.

First thing you notice: "Whoa. This is a kinda big space."

Second thing: "Whoa. I like Buddha as much as the next guy, but someone around here has got to call a designer."

Third thing: "Wow. This is the best Nepalese food on Charles St."

It's true. Lumbini knocks Kumari off the top spot as Baltimore's best (and only) Nepalese restaurant. Reasons? You want reasons? Notice the sweet yogurty flavor of the saag with real big chunks of paneer -- not those wussy chunks you find at heathen Mughal Garden up the street. More reasons? How about your choice of basmati or saffron rice? Whoa. Somebody stop me. And the best reason: the house-made pumpkin curry! What a great use of the most useless vegetable on earth!

Now, it should be noted that Lumbini defines itself as 'Nepalese/Indian', and indeed the majority of the dishes seem to be Himalayan takes on Indian standards. Unfortunately, there's none of the great Nepalese cold dishes on the buffet line. That said, the kitchen should get props for getting funky with what otherwise would be the norm.

Ok. Starve yrself for a few days and then get yrself to the $9.99 lunch buffet. Here's the addy. Tell 'em Shelly sent you: 322 N. Charles St.

Does John McCain Use a Grocery List?

So, listening to John McCain’s speech this evening I notice that he says that grocery bills are going up because of tariffs.

Tariffs?

Last I checked, you could still grow a tomato within the continental United States.

Grocery bills have gone up because the distribution system is so screwed up. Rather than grow tomatoes here, we outsource to burned-out Amazon farms and the like. And then we have to pay to get the stuff back here and into our stores. You been to a gas pump recently?

You want grocery bills to go down? Buy local. Buy local obsessively. Help your own community by being an active part of it.

And, just for yuks… when’s the last time you think John McCain shopped for groceries?